For Singles

Adapted / Updated from Rose Sweet's book, Healing the Heartbreak of Divorce

CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE
SINGLENESS

The weather turned cold today for the first time since last winter. The sky was gray-white and misty. I dug out my favorite jeans, slipped them on, and pulled a soft cotton sweater over my head. After months of wearing shorts and T-shirts it felt funny, but familiar at the same time. Like being single.

Similar to rotating seasons, I've been changing from single to married to single again. This cycle is not what I ever wanted or planned for, but here I am again. This morning as I dressed, I was keenly aware of my current life and how far away being married seems. I know it will probably come again, like the hot summer days of next year, but for now I am enjoying the season of singleness. Like my warm winter wardrobe, it feels a little funny, but familiar.

After breakfast, I decided to make a big pot of hot vegetable soup to go with the cold winter weather. When I was in the grocery store, filling my cart with curry powder, potatoes, and canned carrots, I heard the faint but friendly sound of chocolate chips calling my name. Like magic, I was suddenly in front of the baking section. I thought, "Hey, it's Saturday. I have all day to myself, and last year's jeans still fit. Why not go for it?" Deciding to treat myself to a fresh batch of homemade cookies, I grabbed the semi-sweet chocolates off the shelf. A little farther down the aisle, I found the nuts, who had something quite important to say to me, too.

When you're single, going all the way means splurging on the fancier pecans instead of walnuts! As I examined the clear, crisp, cellophane bags, I noticed that I had a choice of (a) pecan pieces or (b) whole pecans. You might call me nuts, but that's when the pecans began to talk to me, saying "Rose, you got pretty chopped up in your divorce, but you're not alone. This shelf is like the world, piled high with divorced women; some will end up permanently broken and some will be whole again. Which do you want to be?"

One Flesh

In recovering after divorce, I didn't need Scripture to remind me that I had become one flesh with my husband. The excruciating pain told me I was no longer feeling whole. Any woman who has lived with, loved, and had children with a man knows that not only do you become one in the physical act of love, you bond mentally and emotionally as well. I had learned that my mind and emotions were just as much a part of my flesh (everything that makes us human) as the part that fit in my favorite jeans.

The divorce caused a terrible, deep tearing apart, not a clean cut. Marriage was like the smooth, shiny pecan shell that held the two halves together, and when we cracked into pieces, huge bloody chunks of me went with my husband, and parts of him stay stuck with me.  In a sense, after divorce we were not whole; we were both broken.

I looked at the price of the whole pecans. They were much more expensive than the broken pieces. Whole nuts are much more pleasing to the eye, as anyone who has made cookies or pies can attest. We always put the perfectly whole pecans on the top of the pie, or in the middle of the cookie, because they are the most desirable. Standing in the store, I was overcome with a deep appreciation for this time in my life when I am becoming whole again, something I know God desires for me. No matter what he has planned for my future, I don't want to bring any brokenness to a relationship, whether with a friend or lover. I want others to find in me a value that's twice the price of the other nuts!

Singleness Means Wholeness

Singleness is not brokenness. When Adam was created in His image God saw that the single man was "very good". Adam was whole and happy, walking in the cool of the evening with God and pretty content even though Eve was not around. Obviously, Adam did not need Eve to be whole, but in a certain sense, and in God's plan, he did need Eve to know more deeply how to love.  We are all created to be in communion with God, and united with him we are united with each other. Even though Adam received and returned God's love, only with a suitable spouse could he also experience love through his own human body.  In Genesis when God said "it is not good for man to be alone" He didn't mean man is no GOOD without woman (although some would argue!).  The lack of "good" points to the ability of Adam to experience love through his mind, heart and soul with God but not his body. Our body is not just a shell; it is as much a part of us as what we cannot see. So it would be "good" for man to experience the giving and receiving of love with another person like him, in the gift of their whole selves, including their human bodies.

And imagine, when Adam--filled with God's love--became a gift to Eve, caring for her, protecting her, cherishing her and wanting only her best, in some new way he now also understood a little more how much God loved him.  It was good.

People who are not spiritually centered will look to others to meet all their needs. God is sufficient for us, but in our fallen world we struggle to believe that. He loves us through others, to be sure, and we find out purpose and joy in being a sincere gift of self to others as well. The deep communion of marital love is a way husband and wife image God's love (as our Spouse) for all of us (His Bride). We need others because God loves us through others, but it is really God we need. And we have Him every second of the day. As much as we long for it, and as beautiful as it can be, we don't need to be married to give love, receive love, or find our joy.

To make the most of our season of singleness, we can take these steps:

• Remember that this time in your life is a season, not eternity.
• If you struggle with loneliness and isolation in your singlehood, God can meet those emotional needs in various ways, not just through a new romantic relationship.
• Remember that loneliness can come in a relationship, too. No one is ever perfectly content. God saves that for heaven!
• Use this time to become the most beautiful you can be, inside and out. Then if God blesses you with someone new, you will be ready!
• Don't limit yourself to one kind of growth or change. Make a list of what you can do to develop physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. Ask for the grace to learn to love God more.
• Use this time to reach out to others in a sincere gift of self (no strings attached!). If you have young children, most of your time is taken trying to successfully single parent, and that is your most important, or maybe only, service. For older divorcees or those without kids, find an area where you can share your natural gifts and talents, so that the volunteer time doesn't seem like a penance. Remember to be a cheerful giver and if you're on a performance trip, get off the train.
• Pick a passion you've put on the shelf for awhile. Take it down, dust it off, and go for it!
• Remember you're still healing. Take it easy and get lots of rest. Give yourself permission to spoil yourself silly once in awhile.
• Trust God whenever you feel bad about being single. Ask him in prayer to reveal His love for you, and maybe His plan for you.
• Thank God every day for the gift of singleness, because through it he can give you pearls of not only great wisdom, but of peace.

God's Recipe For Singles

Little Andrea came into the kitchen and asked her grandmother for something yummy. Grandma asked her if she wanted to eat some raw eggs.
"Yuck, no! Grandma!" said Andrea, her nose wrinkling in disgust.
"What about some vegetable shortening?" asked Grandma.
"No way!" replied Andrea.
"Flour? Salt? How about a big bite of baking soda?"
"Grandma! What is wrong with you?" Andrea asked. "Don't you have any cookies?"
"Ahhh-hhh cookies!" Grandma smiled. "Do you want cookies?"
"Yes!" Andrea beamed.
"Well, first you have to mix all those ingredients and bake them, and then you will have exactly what you want! God is like that with us," explained Grandma. As Andrea listened, Grandma began to lay the ingredients on the counter.
"To make our lives delicious, he takes all the things in our life that seems yucky, mixes them together, and lets us feel the heat. When it's just the right time, he will take us out of the oven."

Singleness also has distasteful elements (like single parenting, lack of time, too much time, poverty, and loneliness), yet God can bring them all together to create something delicious. And while the heat feels uncomfortable, God knows exactly how long to keep you in it. When will your life be different? When will you have a new love, a new life, or a new passion?  When it's just the right time; His time.

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