For the Divorced

Adapted and Updated from Rose Sweet's book, Healing the Heartbreak of Divorce

CHAPTER 2
GOD AS HEALER

I flew to the Midwest to visit my little brother, Fred, one of the top spine surgeons in the United States. Fred picked me up at the airport and told me he either could drop me off at his home to visit with his wife and their kids, or I could go with him to the Children's Hospital, where he'd just been called in for an emergency procedure. He would outfit me as a medical student and I could watch him perform the surgery. "Are you kidding? Let's go!" I agreed excitedly. Without stopping to think about what I was going to see.

Wearing blue scrubs, booties, cap and mask, I stood by Fred along side a gurney while he talked to the patient, a twelve-year-old boy. The boy's leg had been almost severed just below the knee in a playground accident. Dr. Fred assured him everything would be okay, and he was quickly wheeled into the operating room.

Four days earlier, the emergency room doctors had sewn him up and sent him home. Then the boy had developed a high fever, and when it reached 105 degrees the parents, worried and in tears, brought him back. It turned out the improperly cleaned wound was still filled with gravel, and some of the skin around the sutures had died and was spreading to healthy tissue. The boy's body was racked with infection, and the fever had signaled what was going on behind those stitches.

I'll never forget watching a sight that was together the most gruesome and most awesome I think I'll ever see. Within minutes the medical team had the boy under general anesthesia, draped, and ready for surgery. I was shocked at how aggressively Fred removed the stitches, reopened the wound, and stuck his sterilized and gloved hand right down into the boy's bloody leg to clean it out. As I stood nearby, I watched as my baby brother's skilled fingers quickly cleaned around flesh and bone and then delicately cut away dead tissue that was infecting the rest of the leg. After the wound was cleansed, Fred directed the assistant surgeon to close up while we left to find the boy's parents. The operation went well, Fred told them, and he gave Mom and Dad steps for follow-up care at home.

Why Divorce Isn't Always Healed Property

Divorce is like that boy's injury. It's never an intended hurt, but more like a terrible, unexpected accident, usually ripping apart family members and leaving a trail of emotional blood and guts. Too often we are quick to bind up the wounds and move on instead of getting to the deepest levels of pain and allowing God to heal us completely. After all, we've got jobs to do, kids to raise, and bills to pay, and life goes on. We're often ashamed of the fact that we have been divorced, and we tell ourselves, or our loved ones tell us, "Get on with it!"… "You'll get over it."… "Next year you'll feel better." But that's not usually the case.

Some of us have been carrying the unhealed wounds of divorce for years and the infection has spread, as it always does, into other areas of our lives. That's why it's so important to reach deep into the wound to clean it out properly. If you're a mother, imagine your children as part of your family's healthy tissue. Failure to address the deepest emotional issues of your own divorce undoubtedly will cause the infection to be passed to them, the next generation. They will pick up on your attitudes and get caught in the middle of raging emotions. Even if you don't have children, the hurt, pain, and bitterness of divorce can spread slowly into other healthy relationships.

You may not ever think of yourself as a selfish parent, and you may have divorced to protect your children. But it would be selfish to rush yourself through, or even ignore, the healing process just to avoid the pain. Being emotionally disabled and in need of healing makes you less available to meet your children's emotional needs. Your complete emotional healing is something that is necessary to keep your children from being infected with further emotional upheaval and even permanent psychological damage.

One woman I counseled bemoaned how her bitterness toward men hurt her daughters. "My girls are afraid of relationships now. Neither of them trusts men. I never thought that they would pattern their attitudes after my own. I told them many times that they didn't have to experience the pain I did. I encouraged them to find their own loves and I told them that God wanted the best for them. But they were damaged emotionally because I failed to find healing for myself, and I infected them."

Our physical health, too, usually suffers as we experience sleeplessness, headaches, eating problems, and addictions. Work can become even more stressful. Friendships can become damaged and we may start unhealthy new relationships. Even new marriages will be affected by the poison of untreated divorces.

Sue, a divorcee, e-mailed me, "I wish I had spent more time discovering my emotional problems. I didn't want to admit I had any. I didn't want to be in pain anymore, and I was sick and tired of working on problems of any kind. I just wanted to have fun again. I wasn't really ready to date, and I rushed into marrying Bob. Guess what? Now I feel like I'm back in the same hell with a different man."

All Kinds of Women Are Hurting

Maybe you are a newly divorced mom struggling as a single parent. Perhaps you are single with no children, and your home is empty of love of any kind. You may be older and have been divorced for many years, but deep down inside you're still hurt or bitter. Some of us have been divorced more than once and we're terrified of making another mistake. I know many women who initiated their divorce after years of abuse, and they are so relieved to be away from the turmoil, that they assume they have no unhealed hurts.

Healing of the heart is like physical healing; it happens in layers. Our emotions are at first raw, and some of us move more quickly than others to cover the wound. Persoanlity types, based on the Littauer model, help explain why some women respond differently to their divorce:

Sanguine "Motivator" personalities just want to have fun, keep life on the light side, and charm everyone into loving and adoring them. After a divorce they may be most quick to forgive and make friends again with their ex and pretend their pain is not as bad as it really is. They will bounce right back and hum "Zippedy do-dah" all day long…until anywhere from six months to a few years later, when they find themselves bursting into tears for no reason. They often are afraid to dig deep into their wound and face the painful process of real healing.

Choleric "Manager" personalities, like the "Motivator", tend to be optimistic and quickly move on with the rest of their lives. They thrive on work, accomplishing goals, and they distract themselves with their career, school, child-raising, and a multitude of other projects. They don't waste time being depressed; it's not efficient! No one has to tell them to get on with it because they already have, often too fast and too soon. They almost enjoy the constant fighting with the ex-spouse because they love a challenge and want to win. Because they are quick to anger, through the years they will find themselves years snapping at co-workers and barking orders to the kids, unaware that they, too, rushed too quickly through the healing process.

Melancholy "Master" personalities, unlike the outgoing Sanguine and Choleric personalities, tend to be introverted. They are masters of sensitivity, depth and perfection, and with divorce life is not perfect! They can become the long-suffering martyr and the most obviously depressed. If they haven't cut emotional ties with the ex, they sometimes harbor secret longings to get back together, or harbor death wishes, and they will outwardly dramatize their very real suffering. Where the "Manager" and "Motivator" spouses quickly stuff or cut off their feelings, "Masters" may wear their broken hearts on their sleeves or withdraw into solitude. They are not always motivated to heal because they sometimes delight in the misery. After others get tired of hearing about their divorce, they get even more depressed because no one really understands the depth of their suffering.

Phlegmatic "Mediators", also introverts, enjoy people but just want peace and to avoid conflict. They are usually hard working but well balanced, and good at calming others down. Easy-going and friendly in nature, they are often quick to pretend they are fine after divorce because they don't want to face the hard work of recovery. Phlegmatics can find contentment at almost any level, a strength in some circumstances, but not when deep emotional or spiritual work needs to be done. If healing from divorce requires hard work, they may find ways to accept their brokenness and never take steps to find true healing. You might often hear a passive "Mediator" divorced person say, "Well, I guess is God's will and there's nothing I can do about it."

Do you see yourself in any of these personality capsules? I'm a combination of the Sanguine "Motivator" and Choleric "Manager". After divorce, I struggled to quit pretending life was all rosy and sweet and to accept that I needed more emotional growth and recovery. Thank goodness my "Manager" side thrives on challenges, so as soon as I got rid of all the busy distractions, I could get to work on real healing.

Perhaps you've been avoiding complete healing. Maybe you've tried to stitch up your own wounds, and the emotional infection remains. The good news is that you don't have to be a doctor to find healing. Remember, God is the Master Physician. And this book offers practical and spiritual comfort and counsel. God can use it to help stitch you up and send you home with directions, along with prescribed medication such as books, tapes, and counseling for every topic you need.

Don't let that emotional fever continue. Complete healing takes time, but meanwhile God's grace helps numb the pain. Take it one day at a time, resting in him while he takes care of the basics. As you read this book, imagine yourself resting comfortably in a warm, cozy hospital bed, in a private room. Of course your children are cared for, all your bills are paid, and you have some time alone with him. Take a deep breathe, let it out slowly, and let the Master Physician begin to heal you his way. Are you ready?

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