The Divine Romance

The Invitation
Love, Sex and Romance - What's It All About, REALLY?

Ronald Rolheiser, author of the insightful book, The Holy Longing, inspired me with his explanation that to be truly holy, truly integrated in our body, soul and spirit we should not ever deny sensuality, one of many gifts from God. But we should also never deny the wisdom required to keep sensuality the precious gift God intended.  Recently our Holy Father, Pope Benedict XVI, reiterated this same theme in his first encyclical, God is Love, when he appealed to the world not to reject erotic love (eros) but to redeem it by infusing it with God's love (agape).   For too long we have separated out of our sinfulness what God originally had joined: unselfish, sacrificial love with all that is sweet, fragrant, musical, beautiful, romantic poetic, physical, and sexual. We have divorced God from our flesh.

I frequently speak and write to singles of all ages, and my last book was all about dating, romance, and finding true love (Dear God Send Me a Soul Mate). I am also single and sometimes struggle like everyone else with the same problems of chastity, loneliness, and just how-the-heck we are supposed to stay well-rounded, balanced and loved . . . but still stay pure. I had asked God to please enlighten me to a level that would help me see clearly how to fully embrace and not deny my sensuality, but to also stay holy. Give me something to understand this complex situation, and something I can share with others that has the heart of a papal encyclical, but the simplicity of, well . . . Mother Goose. And He did.

Holy Sex

I went to bed one night praying, "Why do we all obsess about sex, I mean past the obvious, God? Why, really? Why do we all obsess about anything?" As I drifted off to sleep I almost heard Him say, "Rose, don't you remember? Everything I have created was designed to point you to me. My greatest desire is to draw you to me...look for me in what you most deeply desire."

After a restless night of sleep, I awoke about four in the morning with these words clearly in my thoughts . . ." Invitation, Preparation, . . .(and five more)" and realized I had been given the "Seven Stages of Divine Romance". I was aware that there was a distinct pattern in romance, that sex was just a part of a much bigger rhythm, and those same seven stages, the same romantic rhythm, is found in all our passionate pursuits. They are universal and archetypical; while a good in themselves, they point us to something even more mystical, more satisfying.

Here’s the good news about love’s urgent longings. Romance and sex are fabulous, exciting, hot and heavy … and deeply spiritual. I began to understand not only in my head but feel in my heart that my urgent longings were for something more than romance, sex, or marriage. They truly were for him. Grace helped me see that love’s urgent longings are really a desire for the Sacred Romance, the Divine Marriage. Sounds lofty, and it is, but it is also very simple. When we see and understand what sex really is – a fore taste of the most sacred and most perfect of all romances – we can never regard it so lightly, so cheaply again.

Proverbs 4:7 tells us that the seeking of wisdom is the beginning of wisdom. Hopefully you will increase your own wisdom with the understanding that God wants to be the perfect spouse to you, and to satisfy all of your own urgent longings. Not just in some far-off mystical way, but in a very real, tangible way . . . passionately and frequently.

He wants to change your life. Will you let him?

Chapter 1

The First Stage - INVITATION

Do you ever wonder what really happened after Cinderella and Prince Charming got married? Walt Disney never got around to the rest of the story, but if you’re like most people, you know exactly what happened next: the honeymoon was heaven for awhile, but then Prince went back to work. Money was tight so he insisted Cindy get a job, too. At first, all Cinderella wanted was to stay home in her white-picket castle and be Queen Mommy to a bunch of cute kids, but she soon discovered she liked having a hefty paycheck and an outside social life, so she started staying later at the office.

Of course, the babies did come, and not without the sleepless nights, trips to the dentist, carpooling, and three-times-a-week soccer games. Cinderella frequently felt torn between her beloved family and her rewarding career. Sometimes she wanted to quit and stay home, other times she was glad to get away from the chaos. The handsome prince didn’t always understand his lovely wife. After the wedding, he dove head first into the business of taking over his father’s job and running the kingdom. It was satisfying work, people admired him, and at night he could come home to his bride. More and more, though, the warm arms he sought were replaced with emotional coolness. Why was she so distant lately? The hot nights he’d hoped for in the beginning of their romance were often icy cold with hurt, disappointment, and frustration for them both. The prince and his bride often asked themselves: this is happily ever after?

This account probably sounds familiar. It’s no fairy tale; it’s merely the next chapter in many modern relationships. Maybe you have found yourself in a similar sad story. Maybe you haven’t yet married, or are divorced and fearful of another failure. Some who read this book may have enjoyed a good marriage for many years, but something has always been, and still is, missing. Perhaps you are still searching for the excitement, romance, or deep satisfaction of love any way you can: fantasies, romance novels and movies, pornography, emotional or physical affairs, or other ways of grasping secretly, quietly, or desperately for something to fill the emptiness. Love’s urgent longings may sleep quietly in you at times or burn so hot you just can’t stand it.

You’re not alone. From the beginning of creation, God both gifted and cursed us with a deep desire for the ultimate romance, and unfortunately we are all just trying to find it on our own. Remember what God said to Eve in the Garden after the fall? “. . . Yet your urge shall be for your husband, and he shall be your master.” (Gen. 3:16). No wonder women long for or are even obsessed by romance and marriage. No wonder they want their husband to come home and talk with them, spend time with them, and even accompany them to the mandatory, prove-you-love-me chick flicks. “Why can’t he spend more time with me?” “He never opens up to me.” “I wish he would talk to me!” “What’s so boring about the mall, anyway? If he really loved me . . .”

Most women want men to fill their needs. In our immature (selfish) thinking, we want them to be our love slaves, and not just in the bedroom: love me, listen to me, spend time with me, know me, understand me, make me the center of your world! But where most women have their urges for a happy home life, centered around the man at their sides, many men by their nature tend to look out the living room windows to other lands they can conquer. It’s not that they don’t love us. They do. They just seem to be much more easily satisfied with things instead of relationships.

Where we women tend to pine away if we’re not married or in a relationship, men may have a much easier time finding interesting things to do. In general, we worship romance and they worship sex. After a loving sexual encounter, women tend to immediately plan or manipulate future events to extend or repeat that connection. We want to extend the closeness by cuddling or worse—talking! Sometimes they just want to roll over. He enjoyed the experience, he loves us, and now he wants to sleep. What is wrong with that? He wonders why we stay so stuck. He is perplexed by our constant demands to “talk about our relationship”. Maybe that desire to chain him down, make him ours, and keep him talking to us—making him the desire of our hearts—is part of our curse.  These patterns can also be reversed, with some wives more naturally "masculine" in their responses, and some husbands of a more tender feminine temperament. Regardless, this type of polarization hurts both poeple.

Man’s curse is probably that he’ll never understand that deep, almost obsessive emotional urge for women who wallow in relationships. Thank God someone can get up out of bed, push past the rose petals, and go hunt and kill dinner. His “curse” was that he was put in the position of a loving master—yes, that’s what scripture says in Genesis 3:16, that the husband would rule over us—but that it would be one tough road to be provider of our needs. St. Paul tells us he needs to love us as Christ loves the Church, even unto death on a cross. He’s someone who is supposed to protect us, provide for us, take care of us and our children, and be supportive in all our endeavors. No problem; he may think that’s simply going to work from eight to five and bringing home the bacon. Women however think their husbands need to linger over the bacon . . . and eggs . . . at champagne brunch each week, with, of course, him telling us how much he loves us, can’t live without us, and how he wants to tell his boss he needs to work a shorter week so he can spend more time with us.

And then there’s sex. He wants it all the time, and we can’t find the time to want it. We women want emotional intimacy first, but he usually doesn’t feel emotionally close until he’s been physically intimate. Or these responses may be reversed in some marriages. So we each push and pull, pursue and distance, and hope that over the years things will get better. Many of us have settled, or eventually will settle, into a somewhat satisfactory arrangement, and that’s not all bad. But something is still missing. Something that pulls at the back of our mind, keeps us on edge, or gives us sleepless at nights. It’s a restlessness gnawing at the back of our minds, an energy that keeps us flopping around in bed at night or nervously tapping our fingers, wiggling our feet, or changing channels on the television. Something that keeps us wondering if more money, a newer house, a longer vacation, better sexual techniques, or more excitement will somehow make us happy. What is it?

If you find yourself frustrated, discouraged, or simply seeking something better in life, don’t give up hope. Just like Cinderella and all the people in the Prince’s kingdom, you are about to receive a special INVITATION to become part of the richest, most beautiful romance ever imagined. One that will satisfy all your needs, and help you to live out your earthly "marriage" (whether to a spouse or in a religious vocation) more beautifully.

Special Delivery

This book is a formal invitation to satisfy love’s urgent longings for both sexes. Cinderella’s invitation to the ball was delivered by the royal footman. How and when did you first get the invitation to join someone on the dance floor of love? Was the first invitation a welcoming glance over a book in the library, a nervous hand extended at the school dance or a blind date arranged by a friend? Have you received an invitation recently? Perhaps someone called you on the phone and asked for a date, or your spouse suggested a weekend away. Maybe the vocations director visited your school or church and invited you to consider a special "marriage".

A group of friends shared how they’d received invitations to romance. One woman said, “My husband saw my girlfriend and me at TGI Friday’s and told the waiter he wanted to buy our dessert. I looked over, saw his blue eyes, and fell in love right away.”

Others added:

“My wife begged her brother to introduce us after a hockey game. I’m glad she did.”

“I only went out with Bob because my girlfriends told me how great he was. I’d seen him around and never thought he was that exciting. He wasn’t—at first—but I decided instead of bouncing around from guy to guy, I should try to get to know this one. I was always attracted to the bad-boy type, and had had my heart broken a zillion times. I thought with Bob I’d have no fun. But he really taught me a whole new way of enjoying life. We got married two years later!”

“She was at her sister’s house. I came to pick up my son from a birthday party and our eyes locked in a room full of parents, kids, and balloons. I knew exactly what she was telling me wither eyes. She was inviting me to pursue her. I did!”

“Jennifer and I always went to the gym at the same time on Saturday mornings. There was this little old lady who would come in to work out next to us on the Stair Master dressed in a hot pink leotard, earrings, and too much cheap perfume. Since neither of us wanted to be rude, Jennifer and I would exchange silent looks of laughter. That quiet connection grew and after a few months we ended up having coffee. Now we’re married. I bought Jennifer a hot pink leotard for our first anniversary, but she refuses to wear it!”

“Everyone knew I had my eyes on Nathan, our school’s hunky quarterback. This guy, Mike, was a total loser. He came up and asked if I knew what time it was. I totally could tell he only wanted to hit on me. I ignored him but he just didn’t give up. He tried to leave flowers in my locker, but I told him I was allergic. Get a clue, dude! He’s just not my type!”

“I’d only been divorced a few years. I went on this date because I knew I had to start getting out. She was sweet, smart, and ready to get married. She made it clear that she found me someone with whom she could plan a future. It felt good to be wanted again. I was a little hesitant, but I was lonely and wanted to see if I could get something started with her. Don’t get me wrong. I want marriage, too, but I realized I’m not ready. I still have trust issues. I feel bad that I let it go as far as it did. I broke her heart.”

“The same thing happened to me. Only my issue wasn’t trust. My previous wife had been a major ball and chain. I like being single. I like my freedom. I’m not ready to be tied down. Lots of women let me know that would like more from me, but I just can’t give it right now. Sorry.”

“Tammy was my first love. I let her know in every possible way that I wanted her. I poured my heart out to her, had her friends encourage her on my behalf. I even had her parents on my side. But she refused me. That was forty-two years ago. I still love her.”

“Thank God Bill never gave up on me. I’d known him since we were kids. I told him I just wanted to be friends. I know he wanted more, but I wasn’t interested. My mom nagged the heck out of me for not wanting to marry him. Everyone told me I was crazy not to go for him, but you know what? It’s not a marriage when you march down the aisle because your family and friends said you should. It’s not real when you’re doing it just because you’ve known them all your life and they feel safe. I wanted to marry Bill because I finally saw he was the one for me. There was real love and real trust, and a passion that came from within, not from my friends. I admit I was slow. It took some time, but he never gave up. He’s my prince. I’ll never have eyes for anyone else.”

“I’m hard headed. Frank literally pounded on my door in the rain one night and said if I didn’t marry him he would kill me. Well, I‘m still alive today and Frank and I have been married thirty-four years. After I accepted his proposal, I made him fix the door.”

What should we realize about an invitation to love?

Invitations come in many ways and at different times. They can simply be requests for our time, our company, or for something bigger, like the rest of our lives. When we accept an invitation we should have at least some idea of what we’re getting into. We need to know what is expected of us, and what we can expect from the other person. We have to make some sort of effort to determine if our choice is the right one. However, despite any preparation we make or investigation we conduct, we’ll never really know what the relationship will hold until time passes. Over time, we reveal ourselves to each other, we weather joys and crises, and hopefully we come to a deeper, more mature love.

The romantic rhythm of love always begins with an invitation. Here’s what we should remember about the invitation to our own happily-ever-after:

• It can be bold or subtle.
• It can come through a friend.
• It can be unspoken with just a glance.
• It can be via a gift such as delivered flowers or candy.
• It can simply be a quiet connection when you meet someone.
• It can be resisted, especially if you have your eyes on someone else.
• It can be threatening, especially when you don’t want to give up your freedom or if you are not ready.
• It can be rejected because of how little you know, or what you perceive of the pursuing lover.
• It can be re-presented when the lover doesn’t want to give up.
• It can haunt you for years to come when you realize you blew it.

How have you responded to divine invitations over the years? Are you ready to accept an invitation from the King?

...for more on the Seven Stages of Divine Romance, as well as a Seven-Minute Meditation on the Divine Romance, book Rose to speak to your group!

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